


To Kiss Dean Winchester

by Sammynughh



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Wings, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Castiel, Chapter 2 Angst, Destiel - Freeform, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Smut, M/M, No Angst, Oral Sex, POV Castiel, POV Dean Winchester, POV Sam Winchester, Smut, Top Dean, Virgin Castiel, no anal sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-12-05 10:47:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11576505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sammynughh/pseuds/Sammynughh
Summary: WARNING: MATURE AUDIENCE ONLYTHIS IS DESTIEL. Dean has had sex with Sam in the past. Former Wincest, but not now. When I mention intimate moments between the brothers, I'm not talking about sex. It's a bond where one cares deeply for the other. If you can't stand idea of Wincest, skip it.No Angst, Smut/Oral only, Fluff and Romance between Dean and Cas.Story is told from Castiel's POV.Cas explains his thoughts about Dean and his family. He decides he wants to ask Dean for a kiss. Cas thinks a kiss will tell him if he's in love with Dean. He is afraid Dean might ultimately reject him just by asking for this kiss. Is the risk worth taking?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted in "Taboo Love" as "Cas' POV" I have rewritten/edited story so it can stand alone with this new title: "To Kiss Dean Winchester"

**[Castiel's POV]**

I have watched over Dean Winchester his entire life, but I can't tell him. He won't be able to understand why I wasn't able to prevent tragedies that occurred in his life, such as his parent's death and his trip to Hell. Believe me, I'd rather have prevented him from making that deal with the crossroads demon, than have to pull him out of perdition like I did. All the events in his life, bad and good, are part of a divine plan.

Prior to pulling Dean from perdition, I would watch him and his family. The relationship Dean has with his little brother, Sam, is very codependent. One can't function unless the other knows he's okay.

Even when Sam went to college, Dean would drop in and spy on his brother without Sam knowing it. Sam would call Dean regularly, but never called his dad. Sam regrets that now and wishes they had spent more time together.

I've learned so much from watching Dean and his family. I never hoped that they would one day consider me as part of their family. Especially after some of the foolish things I've done. Like thinking I was better than God.

I should have been punished like Lucifer, but Chuck was forgiving. I did spend a lot of time in Purgatory. I think I was honestly hoping something would get the better of me so I could just die, but for whatever reason Chuck just keeps bringing me back. I suppose I'm grateful. I should be grateful.

Dean is gracious toward me. Way more forgiving toward me than I deserve. That's the Winchester way. Always quick to forgive and forget.

I know I shouldn't do it, but I have ghosted around Dean and listened in on private conversations. I've watched Dean and Sam fight and argue for hours.

The most interesting times to watch the brothers are when they are being intimate. I stand and watch from the corner of the room, completely unseen, as the brothers come together in a touching moment.

It usually begins with some sort of intense situation that the brothers escaped. Dean checks his brother over for injury and then Sam checks Dean. As Dean bandages his brother, you can see the love on his face. Sure, it's all business, but Dean will touch Sam's face if he hurts him while stitching up a cut. Sam rubs Dean's back after wrapping up his shoulder in a bandage.

They get ready for bed and Sam will stand at Dean's bed. Dean opens his covers and arms to his little brother who quickly lays next to Dean. Sam holds Dean and Dean kisses Sam's forehead. They always rest better like this. Dean plays with Sam's hair till they both pass out.

I have observed the brothers being sexually active together. It's not common and it usually follows a stressful event.

I've even witnessed them share a woman. They haven't done that in years.

What I'm curious about right now is if I ask Dean to kiss me, would he?

We've known each other for a while now. If I ask Dean to kiss me, will he ultimately rejecting me? Will he tell me to go away and never come back? Maybe I should just kiss him and see what happens?

I wait until Dean is alone at the bunker. Sam is off picking up supplies.

Dean's in the library reading something. I appear, "Hello Dean."

Dean looks up from his book, "Hey Cas. What's up?"

"Nothing new. How are you?"

Dean seems confused, "I'm fine. What's going on Cas?"

I walk around the table and stop in front of Dean. "Please stand up."

Dean stands up and still seems confused.

I grab hold of his flannel shirt and kiss him. It's quick and awkward.

  
Dean gives me a grouchy look, "What the hell Cas?"

"I want to know what it's like to kiss you Dean. More than that." I look at his hand that he's got up in front of me. "I want to know what it feels like to be loved by you."

"Cas, You know I like girls."

I nod and then I take his hand in mine. He lets me take it. "Dean, I just want..."

Suddenly Dean kisses me. He places his other hand on my jaw and gives me a real deep kiss. When we stop, I'm still feeling a little bit of euphoria.

Dean has a devilish smile.

I reach up and touch his cheek.

He pulls me into his arms and I can feel his hands move over my back and neck. I can feel his heart beating hard against his chest. So hard it's reverberating against my own. He kisses my neck and whispers in his deep voice, "I'm loving you right now Cas. I'll always love you. Never doubt that."

I just want this moment to last forever. For the first time in my existence I find it hard to think or function. Is this what it means to be in love? Am I in love with Dean?

We hold each other like this for several minutes.

He runs his hands through my hair. I can't help but moan at his touch.

I am eventually able to find my words. "Dean, I've never had these feelings before. I'm not suppose to have them."

"Didn't God create you to love him and then once he created us, he instructed you to love us as you do him?"

I lift my head from Dean's shoulder and look into his eyes. Our arms are still around each other. "What I'm feeling right now isn't the same. It's way more intense. Being away from you makes me feel sorrow. Seeing you get close like this with someone else makes me jealous and envious of the one you're close to. If I see someone hurt you, I want to smite them for daring to come against you. Seeing you hurt makes me anxious and very distressed. When we have our differences and you shun me, it's like you're stabbing me in the heart with a spear. I never want to disappoint or hurt you. Just the opposite. I think you have made me a better being. Is this being in love? Am I in love with you Dean?"

I'm sure I have a look of puzzlement on my face. The look on Dean's face is also one I didn't expect. He's thinking things through.

He removes his arms from around me and I feel the absence profoundly.

Dean takes my hand in his. It's warm. "I think I've known for a while now."

He squeezes my hand and I so want to use my powers to read his thoughts, but I'd never do that to him. I'm impatient and very petulant at times. I take a deep breath and try to relax while Dean collects his thoughts.

"I'm right where you are Cas. Thinking back on what we've been through together. What you mean to me. How I feel when you're not here. How absolutely helpless I feel when you're injured or powerless. It's never because you're no help to me and Sam when you're wounded. It's a helplessness I feel that I can't do anything to make you better. There's no one I can call. There's no medicine I can give you. All I can do is stand there and watch you die. Also, a love like this is forbidden, right?" Dean points to himself then to me. "Human and angel. You yourself called it an abomination."

I look at were our hands are still clasped together. "Dean. You're right." I look up into Dean's eyes. "I just don't care."

Dean suddenly has my face in his hands and he's kissing me.

I'm pushed up against the table. He lifts me so I'm sitting on the table and my legs are wrapped around him.

My fingers in his hair and over his back. His hands move from my hips to inside my suit jacket. His tongue presses it's way into my mouth. The sensation of our tongues moving over each other is incredible. His soft lips move perfectly against mine. He's thrusting his hips against mine and that has me gasping.

Dean stops kissing me and grabs my hand pulling me from the table.

He leads me to his bedroom. Once inside he takes off my trench coat and sets it in a chair. He looks me over then kisses me softly. "I'm going to undress you. Okay?"

I'm fascinated by Dean's behavior. "Okay, but wouldn't it be faster if I did it?"

Dean presses his forehead to mine, "Let me... love you."

I didn't understand how undressing me was loving me, but I calmly acquiesced to his wishes.

He slipped my suit jacket off and kissed my neck as the jacket fell from my shoulders. He then loosened my tie and used it to pull me toward his lips for a deep kiss. While kissing me, he slips off my tie and backs me against the bed forcing me to sit down. He then kneels in front of me and removes my shoes and socks.

His green eyes are so intense as he looks at me. I touch his cheek and he kisses my palm. Something about that one act that I'll never forget. He purposefully rubs his hand over my erection. I gasp and grip at the covers on his bed. He has a delightful grin and chuckles.

"Am I amusing you?"

Dean kisses me again. "I'm just pleased that I'm able to make you to feel this way. You need to relax and don't over analyze. Just enjoy the moment."

Dean untucks my shirt and unbuttons it.

I decide to follow his instruction. He knows I'm not human, but I DO want to experience this as if I were.

Dean runs his hands over my chest and I shiver from his touch. He removes my shirt and adds it to my pile of clothing. He kisses my neck, collarbone and chest. He then reaches down and rubs at my erection that's trying to poke it's way through my slacks.

I place my hand on his shoulder and moan slightly with pleasure.

Dean removes my belt then removes my slacks and boxers.

I'm completely naked. He looks me over and then kisses me. "You're beautiful. I know this is only a vessel, but your vessel is beautiful, just like you."

My first response would be to ask him why he is saying this to me. He doesn't normally talk this way to me. Then I remember that I'm suppose to just relax and enjoy the moment.

Still on his knees, he kisses me. I lean into his kiss almost joining him on the floor. He kisses my cheek and neck, pushing me back.

Dean then stands up. "Go ahead and move up on the bed." I do.

He takes his boots and socks off. I'm now watching Dean take his clothes off. He's looking into my eyes the whole time too. His athletic physique is remarkable. He also has an erection. I note a few scars he has from hunting. I think he would look nicer with some facial hair. I should bring it up sometime later.

Dean crawls onto the bed, "What are you thinking about?"

"Do you honestly want to know?"

Dean rolls his eyes, "I asked. Yes, I want to know."

I reach up and touch the stubble on his chin. "You'd look really nice with a goatee."

Dean's eyebrows shoot up.

"You asked."

He nods and smiles.

I love his smile. "You're beautiful Dean. Inside and out. I love you."

Dean starts kissing me. His tongue playing with mine. His hands go from my face to my chest.

My hands stay around his body. I want to pull him as close to me as I can. I relent and give Dean full control.

He kisses down my neck to my chest. He stops at my left nipple to lick, suck and nip at it. The sensation is exhilarating. He does the same to the right side.

My fingers run over his hair as I moan his name.

He takes my rigid erection into his hand and starts stroking it.

I gasp, "Dean."

He watches my reaction with a smile. He suddenly kisses me hard while stroking me.

I reach down and stroke him. He gasps into my mouth at my touch.

He pulls away and kisses me down to my harden length. "Cas, before you climax, tap my shoulder. Don't do it in my mouth."

"Why would I-I-I-I....."

Just then Dean puts my erection into his mouth and starts sucking it. No one has ever done that. I'm gripping the bedding as I'm watching Dean give me the most pleasurable moment ever. He's moving his head up and down. He licks at it. I'm moaning and grunting. I run my hand over his head and neck. He moans and it feels great!

He reaches up and pinches my nipple. That has me at the edge.

Dean swallows me and I tap his shoulder with my back arched. It hits me from the top of my head to the base of my spine. Dean's stroking me and all I see is a white light for a brief moment. I then... I see my Dean. He's beside me, kissing me. "I love you Cas."

I use my powers to clean up the mess before rolling over on top of Dean.

I kiss him and return every loving touch he gave me. I kiss him in places I know he's never been kissed before. I play with his nipples and he's very hard now.

"Sit on the edge of the bed." He does as I ask and I kneel between his legs.

"Cas, You don't have to do this."

"Dean, I want to. I love you." I kiss him and every kiss is as perfect as the first. Before our kiss is over, I start stroking him. He gasps into my mouth.

I bend down and take his erection into my mouth. Dean moans at first. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I wasn't expecting the saltiness of what little bit leaks out. I wasn't expecting that my jaw would start to ache.

The most important thing I didn't expect was the pleasure I'd get from watching Dean make love to me. That's what he was doing.

I continue to give him the best oral pleasure that I can.

He has a look on his face of trust and love. I also see that it's way deeper. Yes, the physical aspect alone is overwhelming, but it's only being shared between us. This time is only mine and Dean's.

Dean gently grips my hair as I continue to lick and suck. I attempt to swallow him deep into the back of my throat.

"OH GOD YES!"

He startled me, but I'm able to clearly see I must be doing something right.

I really wish he wouldn't invoke my dad's name right now. Awkward.

Dean's eyes are a deep emerald green. I've never seen them this color before.

I repeat the same swallowing movement and Dean growls deep while gripping at the covers. Interesting. I do it again.

"Fuck yes! Oh Cas!" He's panting and starting to sweat.

I move my head up and down then pinch his nipple.

"Cas!" He taps my shoulder.

I back off and use my hand to bring him to orgasm.

He never took his eyes off me as he reached his climax. It left me feeling different than I did when we started.

I push him back on the bed, lay on top of him and kiss him. I kiss him like he's air and I can't breathe.

His hands move over my back leaving me gasping. I bury my face in his neck and take pleasure in his hands on my bare back.

"You like this Cas?"

"Very much so. You're not aware, but you're touching my wings."

Dean lifts his hands, "Really? Where?"

I lift my head and look at my lover who seems concerned that he was touching something he can't see. "Don't worry about it. You know I have them."

"Well, yeah, but I thought they were..."

I'm confused as he is. "You thought they were fake? Come and go? What?"

Dean is still confused, "So, they are always there, but humans can't see them?"

"Unless we want them to."

Dean's face lights back up, "Oh. Okay." He looks at our chests and abs. "Ah Cas, You do know we got my jizz all over us?"

I kiss Dean and by the time our kiss is done the mess is gone.

"Awesome!"

I bury my head in his neck once more in the hopes that he will rub my back some more.

"If you want a back rub, all you have to do is ask."

My face is still buried, "Back rub please."

Dean laughs and I love it, but not as much as that back rub. I moan in absolute pleasure. "You're hard. I can feel it."

"Yes."

"You're wings?"

"Yes Dean. My wings."

Dean sighs, "Will you at least let me see?"

He asked for it. The room fills up with my black 20 foot wingspan.

"Jeez Cas! They're huge!"

"Yes. Please keep rubbing."

He rubs my back and my wings droop to the floor. He's rubbing underfeathers he had no idea he was rubbing at before.

I kiss his neck and snuggle close as he continues. I sigh and whisper, "You can keep me. If you want. I won't complain."

"You're mine. Don't even think of flying away."

I sit up and fold my wings back. I snap my fingers and we are both dressed, Dean's bed is made and he's standing in front of me giving me his infamous "What the hell" look. "Sam's back. He's going to be knocking on your door soon."

"Oh." Dean grabs hold of me and kisses me.

I kiss him back. I'm guessing there will be a lot of this now. I pull back and touch his lips to heal them from being so swollen. "Dean, are you going to tell Sam about us?"

"We can't tell anyone Cas. We discussed this."

I nod and hug him, "Just checking." I pull back and he's looking at me funny. "What is it?"

He says nothing, but then I remember he can see my wings. I wave my hand over his eyes and he can't see them anymore.

"Damn it!"

I laugh.

KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK.

"Hey Sammy!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: MATURE AUDIENCE ONLY 
> 
> THIS IS DESTIEL
> 
> This is NOT wincest.
> 
> Dean's fear is Sam finding out about him and Cas. Sam suspects something is changing with Dean. Sam's having nightmares and needs his brother. Dean learns some things from Cas. His bond with Cas becomes stronger. Sam catches his brother with Cas in the throes of ecstasy. What now? Will Sam be the understanding brother and accept things as they are? Or will Sam have problems with their affair?

**[Sam's POV]**

My brother's been acting strange the past two weeks. I'm not sure why.

I'm in his room at around 12 midnight. I had a bad nightmare.

In the nightmare, my brother gathered up his things and left. I was alone and couldn't find him anywhere. I got a call his body was found 2 states over. I went to claim the body. A woman was there crying over his corpse at the morgue. I asked her name. She smiled and morphed into Lucifer. He pulled Dean's entrails out and played with them while laughing. I woke up screaming.

Right now, Dean's holding me in his arms. "Come on Sam. You feel better after you tell me."

"It's the same as always Dean." I hold Dean tighter.

Dean kisses the top of my head as I lay on his chest. His heartbeat usually soothes my anxiety, but it's not working this time.

"Sammy breathe. Deep breaths."

He's trying to help. I'm losing him. I know it. I feel it.

He lifts my head and holds my face in his hands. He sees the dread, anxiety and lost hope I'm feeling. His eyes look so sad. He wants to say something.

Just say it.

I can't breathe, Dean.

If you say it, I might die!

"Sam! Please! What is it?" His eyes are full of worry now. Doesn't he know what it is? If he doesn't then how should I?!

I kiss him. I grip him to me and kiss him. Just a simple kiss. My lips pressed to his in a way that tells him something. It also tells me something.

Maybe my lips can tell him I need him to stay. I'll always be here.

His hand moving through my hair.  
He kisses me back for a moment. His lips tell me I'm safe. He's real and so am I. If they could promise he'd never leave...

He then just suddenly stops everything.

I look at him confused and wonder why he stopped so suddenly.

Ah... Now he's not looking at me. A hand swiftly wipes over his face.

I say nothing. I swiftly get up and go to my room, returning to my own bed.

It's okay Dean. It's about time I grow up. Stop running to my big brother whenever I have a scary dream. I'm a grown ass man. It's about time I act like it.

_(A light knock at my door)_

My voice just sounds tired. "Go away Dean. I'm fine."

He opens my door. "You sure?"

I look toward him. "Yeah. I'm good. Go back to bed."

I can tell he's honestly concerned. "I'm always here for you Sammy."

My voice let's him know I just want to be left alone, "I know. Goodnight Dean."

He leaves.

I decide I'll find out what's going on with him later. For now, I'll get up and type in my journal on my computer.

 

**[Dean's POV]**

I'm in my bed still worrying over Sammy.

Cas suddenly appears. "Hello Dean."

I jump from my bed and wrap my arms around him tight. My face buried in his neck.

He holds me. "Is something wrong?"

"Sam. He thinks I'm keeping something from him. I think he believes I'm going to pack up and leave him. He's having nightmares. I feel so bad. I'm afraid if I tell him about us, he might get worse. I'm so confused and worried about Sam." I hold Cas tight.

I almost want to just disappear with Cas and find a remote island somewhere. I can't do that though. I would do that to Sam.

Cas kisses me softly. "You've never been good at keeping secrets from him." Cas walks me to the bed and we sit down. "Maybe you're not telling him because you're afraid he'll leave you?"

I think about this and nod. "It's not like I want to keep him here against his will. I just need him." I look up at Cas. "Differently than the way I need you. I'm not sure Sam sees the difference. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

Cas nods. "Sam's seeing you as a brother, father, best friend and in rare cases as a lover. You're trying to change the way your relationship has been for years."

I look at Cas with new eyes. He's seen more of me than I expected he would have.

"Thing is, I never saw Sammy as my lover. I love him. We may have fooled around, but we were never lovers Cas. I can count maybe 3 or 4 times that's happened and it was extreme cases. I don't even like talking about it." I get a knot in my gut thinking about it. It was wrong.

Cas holds me. "Just so you know, Sam might see things differently than you do."

I give Cas my one-eyebrow-up look that means, "how would you know?"

Cas continues, "Remember that I took all that was in Sam's mind into myself in order to cure him and save his life because I broke the wall that Death put up to protect him."

I interject, "Well, Sam did stab you in the back."

I see Cas roll his eyes at me! "Don't roll your eyes at me! I can't believe... who taught you that? Who?"

Cas gives a sly grin. "Sam."

I close my eyes. "What were we talking about before?"

Cas continues, "I've seen Sam's thoughts about you. He loves you in a very pure and real way. You are his first real love. However, he knows that what happened those few times was wrong. He doesn't desire you in that way - the way I desire you. He desires your companionship. Knowing you'll forever be here. Your touch and kisses are his reassurances that you are real and aren't a part of his imagination still going crazy. Lucifer would sometimes deny him of your touch. Lucifer never allowed the two of you to kiss in Sam's mind. Ever. So, when he kisses your cheek, Sam's in a bad way. When he kisses your lips, Sam is afraid his world around him is not as it seems."

My heart is breaking. "Cas, he did that earlier tonight. He said he had a bad dream." I think about this revelation. "Why didn't he kiss me more back when Lucifer had his mind all messed up?"

Cas grins. "Because of the places you were and those around you. Especially Bobby. He may not have known what was real or fake, but he knew when he was at Bobby's or on a job. He just wasn't sure who was really standing next to him or not. Especially right before he was put in the hospital. You don't realize how close he came to killing others by falling asleep while driving. You also don't know how often he would sit in a hotel bed next to your sleeping body and physically burn in flames that Lucifer created in his mind. Sam was burning while you slept."

I grab my ears. "Stop it Cas!"

Cas holds me tight. "I'm sorry. The nightmares Sam endured are worse than horrific. So, if he's having nightmares now, they can't be just typical ones like he had as a kid."

I nod in understanding now. He was hiding his Lucifer problem from me, until he couldn't. He wasn't sleeping, but made sure I slept. So I could do our job.

His hallucinations must have gotten way worse. I Remember he used that cut on his hand to come back to reality. By pressing my thumb into it, I showed him that pain was real. Love is real too. I should have shown him that. I guess his kisses are affirmation of that.

Cas cups my cheek in his hand, "Sam's okay now. Lucifer can't touch him." He wraps me up in his arms.

I kiss Cas' neck and kiss my way to his lips. He lays back on the bed with me on his chest. "Do you think you could rub my back like you did the other night?" I can feel Cas is hard beneath me already just thinking about this.

I reach down and rub over the bulge in his slacks. "Which do you want first? A back rub or a blow job?"

Cas smiles, "What's a blow job?"

"What we did to each others penises the other night... and the night before that." I'm still rubbing.

He moans. "And several other times before that."

"Have you decided?" I lick his Adam's apple.

He gasps, "Keep doing that and I won't have to decide."

I remove my hand from his erection. He sighs heavily. His blue eyes are so beautiful when he looks at me like this. "Will you let me look into your thoughts?"

I'm surprised by his request. "Why?

He places his hand over my chest. "So I can know what's in here."

I place my hand over his. "You know what's in my heart, Cas. You're in my heart and soul. I'm so in love with you."

He nods. "I know this."

I'm confused, "So why do you want to know my thoughts?"

He kisses me softly and whispers over my lips, "Poetry Dean. A man who's in love, his heart speaks like poetry. I want to hear your poems."

I'm almost at a loss for words. "Can I hear yours?"

He has remorse on his brow. "I'm an angel Dean. Although my heart is pure poetry because I'm created out of love, I have no soul. I am created to glorify God. If I let you hear, it would kill you. I can barely contain what's in me while we make love. My true being wants to... I want to say explode, but orgasm is a better way of explaining it... every time this vessel reaches orgasm. I can't. To do so. To truly feel what I want to feel inside, it would be like a nuclear detonation."

I remember, "That's right! You're true being is as big as a skyscraper. How can a being so huge fit in a vessel this small?"

Cas kisses me, "Don't think of yourself as being so small. It will all make sense to you one day."

I suddenly want him to see all the things I'm thinking right now, because I can't put them into words. "Read my mind Cas. Know my heart."

He rolls me to my back and places his head to my chest. Like he's listening to my heart, literally. I place my hand on his head. After a minute he lifts his head and kisses me.

He flashes us both naked and my legs wrap around his waist. He's grinding against me perfectly while kissing me. His hands in my hair. Mine moving over his girating body.

His tongue darting through my mouth and across my lips. Both of us are gasping.

We move like this for quite a while. Touching, kissing, stroking and moving over each other.

He grips my shoulders and moves to gasp with his lips at my ear. He speaks, "I'll never find a heart so pure. Someone who loves me regardless of all my flaws and misdeeds. Someone that deserves so much more, but chose me instead. I love him more than my own life. He'd give his life for mine and he'd be a fool for it, but that's okay because I'm his fool. If I died today, that would be just fine. I lived long enough to taste heaven with my soulmate and he will go on knowing my heart is his."

I gasp as I'm almost ready to cum. Cas hasn't stopped and his words are speaking to my heart. "That's how you feel about me Cas?"

Cas kisses my neck. "Yes, but those words, that's the poem I got from _your_ heart."

Just then, Cas climaxes. I feel his whole body convulse on top of me. I orgasm as well. We kiss trying to keep from crying out our pleasure. He ends up burying his face in my neck. I'm fisting his hair and holding him as tightly to me as I can.

I whisper, "I love you so much." I open my eyes and see a figure at the door. Sam. The figure leaves silently and doesn't close the door completely.

"Cas." I'm wondering if he saw Sam.

He lifts his head and tears are in his eyes. "I'm sorry."

I wipe at his tears, "Don't apologize. What are the tears for?"

"Your poem was so beautiful. I've never heard a human heart like yours before. Making love after was beautiful." He takes a deep breath. Kisses me then snaps his fingers.

We're suddenly clean and fully dressed. Still laying as we were.

"You know Sam saw us?" My fingers are touching his hair.

He nods. "Go talk to him. He will understand. You now understand why he still needs you. Just don't make him feel weak or foolish. He's far from either. He's only done what he's had to do in order to survive. He's a survivor. He's also a hero who's saved the world. You need to just be a big brother to him."

I kiss Cas, still feeling high from my orgasm. How the fuck am I suppose to have this conversation with Sam now?

I get up and head for Sammy's room.

 

**[Sam's POV]**

I walk back into my room after wondering what the noises were that were coming from Dean's room. I thought Dean was having a nightmare. Some nightmare!

I flop back down on my own bed. Dean's been acting strange. Well, that explains it. I should have guessed Dean and Cas would hit it off eventually. Why the secrets though? Especially from me. Maybe he thought I couldn't take it. I know I've been having issues lately, but I could handle them being together.

_(A light knock at my door.)_

I sound bored, "What's up?"

He sounds bored, "Can I come in?"

"You alone?" Not sure why I asked.

"Why?" Sounds confused.

I open the door. He's alone. I go flop back on my bed. "What's up?" _Besides your's and Cas' dick._

"Besides the obvious." Dean speaks my mind.

We look at each other. I smile and so does he. "Dude. You could have told me."

Dean sits in a chair. "Yeah. How would that conversation have gone? _"Hey Sammy, guess what? Cas and I are going to be lovers now. I still don't know how to say it except to just say it. So, now you know the most awkward way a brother could find out his brother is sleeping with their best angel friend. Enjoy."_ Yeah, I can see that happening!" He looks around. "What time is it?"

I point to my digital clock on my nightstand. It's 2:35am.

Dean jumps up."Want something to drink?"

Confused, I scratch my head. "You going somewhere?"

He points toward the kitchen. "The kitchen."

I shrug. "Sure. A beer."

He returns quickly with 2 beers, 2 glasses and a bottle of scotch.

I roll my eyes. "One of _those_ nights."

He gives me a weird look. "One of   
_Those_ centuries. You know, you taught Cas to roll his eyes?"

I smile as I take a drink from my beer. "No I didn't!"

Dean pours his scotch. "Yes you did. He said he learned it from you. He should _un_ learn it." He drinks two fingers down quick and pours more.

"You plan on getting drunk?" Just concerned.

"Maybe. Depends on this conversation." He opens his beer and sips on it. "How are we Sam?"

I'm not sure what he means. "Explain what you mean?"

He sets his beer down. "You came into my room earlier after having a nightmare. This one was worse than usual and you can't tell me it wasn't. I get that my hiding the relationship I have with Cas has caused a lot of your anxiety. For that, I'm truly sorry. I thought telling you would be even worse. I don't want our relationship to change. You're always going to be my little brother and I can't fight this battle without you."

I set my beer down. "You're right. Even before I knew about the two of you, I came to some realizations this evening. In a lot of ways I haven't let myself grow up. It's not anyone's fault really. Or at least any one person's fault. You know all the reasons." I take a drink from my beer. "I've just decided I need to try and become more independent of you. Independent of anyone. I'm going to try to go on a few hunts alone. If I have nightmares, I'm going to face them alone." I'm tearing up. "I'll try dating again, eventually. Once I'm better at being independent. This doesn't mean I'm moving out."

Dean sighs and relaxes some, "Oh, thank god."

I grin. "I'm just growing up and you've gotta let me Dean."

He nods. "It'll be hard for me. I've always looked out for you."

I grin. "I know. That's why I need you to let go. I'll still be here Dean. I just won't need you to catch me every time I fall from now on. You've been so good at that. More like a father than a brother."

He smiles. "You soar little brother. You've been kicked in the dirt and abused too much. It's time for you to fly. ... Stop it!"

I wipe a tear away. "What?"

He pours 2 fingers of scotch and hands me the glass. "You know what! Drink this and shut up."

I take the glass as he picks up his. "What shall we drink to?"

Dean grins, "Crotchless panties."

I smirk, "You're with Cas now."

Dean thinks. "Oh yeah." He lifts his glass. "To crotchless panties!"

"Oh God! Now that image is stuck in my head." I slam my drink and cringe for 2 reasons.

"You know it's never good to hunt solo Sammy. Get someone to tag along with you, even if you won't take me. Yes, I worry. It's my job to worry about my family." Dean has a stern face.

I go give him a quick hug then return to my spot on the bed.

He shakes his head. "Gimme your glass, bitch."

I hand it to him. "Here ya go, jerk."

We drink and cut up for a few hours. I go to bed drunk.

I dream of being strangled by Lucifer. His face is horrific. It's as I remember him from the cage. He tells me he won't let me succeed. He will keep me from being able to function on my own. He forces me face first into muddy ground. He tells me I'll never be able to fly. He cuts off my wings.

I wake up catching the scream in my throat. I grab the trash can just in time to throw up in it.

I want to go to Dean. I almost do in my drunken state, but I don't.

I clean up the vomit and brush my teeth. I eventually go back to sleep.

The next day I'm hung over. I enter the kitchen at noonish and find Cas on the counter, legs around Dean and both of them making out. Awkward! At least Cas is in his full trench coat uniform and Dean has his clothes on.

I expect to see more of this in the future. As long as Dean's happy, I'm happy for him.

Seeing Dean and Cas causes suppressed memories of Jess to resurface. I'll just keep reburying her in my past. What else can I do.

We have breakfast for lunch. It's good. Everything's good.

 


End file.
